


not knowing where to turn to (the petals lead me to you)

by yananism



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst?, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, This is Bad, fallin' flower vibes boys, jihoon is kinda dumb, soonyoung suffers, theres really no plot, they're actually in love and no body can convince me otherwise, this is seriously just hoshi talking about how much he loves woozi, this took me three months to write, wonwoo is best boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yananism/pseuds/yananism
Summary: soonyoung's heart compresses in his chest, thumping against his ribcage. soonyoung knows it's time for him to leave. he turns on his heel, setting the bridge that leads him to jihoon aflame.in other words, a soonhoon hanahaki au where jihoon is dumb and soonyoung suffers.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	not knowing where to turn to (the petals lead me to you)

**Author's Note:**

> literally i’ve always wanted to write a hanahaki!au bc it’s been one of my fave concepts forever... so here’s my hand at it! yeah, this is seriously just 14k words of hoshi going on a rant about how much he loves woozi. heng:garæ kicked my ass. but i hope you guys enjoy this story! i personally like how this turned out, but it's disappointing. dont yell at me :')

“kwon soonyoung?”

soonyoung looks up from his nokia, hastily hoisting himself up to stand face-to-face with the man who had scouted him. soonyoung did his audition last week, a horrible rendition of shinee’s _lucifer_. soonyoung had been given a call back this morning to come to the pledis entertainment building right away. he didn’t finish his breakfast, and he definitely didn’t end up going to school. soonyoung wipes his hands on his jeans, well aware of how much he is sweating.

bowing down respectfully, soonyoung ignores his shaky knees, “good afternoon, sir.”

the man mimics his movements, “good afternoon, soonyoung-ssi. so, last week you had your auditions. in my personal opinion, i must say that you were exceptional. when i saw you there, in the middle of the mall, dancing by the fountain, i had to take a chance on you. soonyoung-ssi, i showed your video to the ceo. it made it to the table.”

soonyoung holds his breath, waiting for his heart to either break or explode. he almost doesn’t want to hear the answer. the man notices soonyoung’s silence, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. he tugs at soonyoung’s arms, pulling him into the office the man had just come out of. soonyoung’s eyes bug out of his head when he realizes that the _ceo of the building_ is in front of him. soonyoung almost forgets to bow with how much blood is rushing to his ears.

“kwon soonyoung, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

soonyoung gapes at the businessman, accepting his outstretched palm into a handshake.

the man plops back into his seat, gesturing at soonyoung to sit in the chair in front of his desk, “i’ll just get straight to the point, if you don’t mind. when yooseong-ssi told me about a dancer kid being the best he’s seen in a long time, i didn’t believe him. i don’t usually get involved with trainees, just because it’s not generally my area of expertise and quite frankly, i’m a bit of a tough crowd.”

soonyoung’s heart sinks, taking in the way the ceo’s face remains neutral. _this is it, the end of my dreams_.

“and to get him to leave me alone, i gave in. he showed me your video, and i completely agree with him. i think you’re talented, soonyoung-ssi. with a bit of training on your vocals and dance technique, i think we could make you a star. yooseong wouldn’t give up on you, he kept begging me to watch your video. i’m glad he took the chance on you, i think it goes to say that you’re worth it.”

soonyoung blinks, not believing what he’s hearing. he shakes his head, and the ceo chuckles.

“welcome to pledis entertainment, soonyoung. we’d love to have you. we’d like you to start today, if that’s okay. we actually have a plan for you.”

soonyoung shoots out of his chair, wailing loudly. the ceo and yooseong grimace at the gesture, but soonyoung can only hear the words, “ _welcome to pledis entertainment_.”

he drops to the floor, at the man’s feet, crying and crying until he can’t breathe. soonyoung is pulled to his feet by yooseong. the ceo offers an awkward smile, but soonyoung bursts into tears again and hugs the man.

“oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! you won’t regret this, i swear. oh fuck, you just made my whole existence. i’ve dreamt of this for forever.”

yooseong guides him to the door, walking him to the practice room. his eyes are puffy and his ears pick up white noise. his feet feel light, but soonyoung can’t deny how real it is with how hard his heart is pumping.

♡

soonyoung learns that he is a part of a project group named _seventeen_. there aren’t seventeen members, contrary to what the name suggests, and after moving past the initial shock, soonyoung feels lucky to have been chosen to work alongside amazing people. soonyoung clicks immediately with junhui and wonwoo, fellow 1996-liners, despite being introverted. wonwoo is made up of nose scrunches, sweater paws, and books, but soonyoung understands that wonwoo may just be the rudest person on the planet due to his striking cold eyes and warm heart — pure duality at its finest. though, the chinese boy might be even more rude, going from bubbly and just so _jun_ to body rolls and hip thrusts on stage.

seokmin and seungkwan glue themselves to soonyoung’s side, effectively forming the iconic gag trio, _booseoksoon_. seokmin oddly feels like soonyoung’s missing puzzle piece. seungkwan is single-handedly the funniest person out of the thirteen of them. the jeju boy is easily provoked and fearless, _except maybe from anything that can hurt him_.

chan is his baby, his golden child, and soonyoung _promises_ that the young dancer is destined to carry the entire industry on his back. soonyoung develops an overwhelming amount of respect for hansol. it shakes soonyoung to the core at how hansol, who teaches soonyoung english and always beats soonyoung at rock-paper-scissors, also goes on tangents about identity and kidney function. seungcheol is an amazing leader and an even better brother. soonyoung is glad he doesn’t have to look over twelve children, and he knows that seungcheol is the only one truly capable of fulfilling that task.

jeonghan and joshua are magnets for trouble. soonyoung loves them both, but he can’t help but feel a target on his back around the evil twins. minghao and mingyu make soonyoung feel whole. they always make sure he eats and take care of him better than soonyoung can. jihoon slowly integrates himself into soonyoung’s life too, and immediately soonyoung feels a pull towards him. he’s drawn to jihoon’s short stature and his dark hair. soonyoung bathes in jihoon’s aura, loving the way his name rolls off his tongue and the way jihoon isn’t afraid to speak his mind. jihoon won’t hesitate to wring soonyoung’s neck, but soonyoung just finds it all the more endearing.

( _“hi, i’m kwon soonyoung, i’m excited to be working with you. and you are?”_

_“jihoon. lee jihoon. nice to meet you.”_

_the boy takes his hand, and soonyoung is stunned by how ethereal his smile is. soonyoung just wants to be his friend_.)

  
jihoon and soonyoung become inseparable. though jihoon isn't too keen on skinship, the smaller boy lets soonyoung play with his hair and give him hugs. jihoon easily becomes soonyoung’s best friend and soonyoung becomes jihoon’s. they don’t do anything without the other — they are each other’s counterparts, a mirror of one another. it scares everyone, even them, with how _in sync_ soonyoung and jihoon are.

they teach other how to dance and sing, and soonyoung admires how picturesque jihoon’s figure pieces together with every beat and how angelic his voice sounds when it bounces off the walls of the practice room. soonyoung believes jihoon came straight from heaven with how delicate and pretty jihoon looks — though, if he were to ever say that to jihoon’s face, soonyoung would have all his bones broken while jihoon wouldn’t even bat an eye. (it doesn’t stop soonyoung from thinking so anyways.)

soonyoung grows to love dance and the way his body moves with the rhythm. he relishes in the way his body can unwind and how he can express who he is through his actions. soonyoung bathes in the glory of being able to be honest with who he is and embrace his genuine self without a filter. he was never good with words, so soonyoung dances what he yearns to say from his heart. that way, his yearnings are never wrong and still valid and honest even when his routine ends. soonyoung values the fact that dancing is versatile — his confessions can be interpreted in many ways depending on what type of dance he is performing and who is watching. soonyoung thinks it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world.

soonyoung falls in love with dance at the same time jihoon falls in love with singing. they decide to switch places, and the company lets them.

jihoon becomes the leader for the vocal unit due to his impeccable musicality and music theory knowledge. soonyoung remembers that jihoon once told him that he feels more comfortable showcasing his talents through his voice rather than having people stare at his body, and soonyoung can’t help but watch him in awe whenever jihoon sings. jihoon, similarly to soonyoung, uses his passion to put himself out there without actually outright saying it. jihoon revels in the idea that his words hold weight — his sentiments can tug at the heart of its listeners or get them on their feet to sway along to the music as they unknowingly listen to the story jihoon splays out.

soonyoung becomes the leader for the performance unit, and thus, responsibilities rest heavily upon both of their shoulders. jihoon naturally is entitled the role as their composer, and soonyoung naturally holds the title as their choreographer. the rings on their pinkies not only bond the thirteen members as a family, but it also links soonyoung and jihoon as one — as best friends, as co-leaders, and as _something_ , albeit a bit hazy, more.

when news of their debut come through, soonyoung and jihoon go through the motions together. their project is a hit, equating to more stressful times for everyone as their best chance depends on the audience’s reception on whether or not they could debut. soonyoung throws himself into work, mapping out dots in his head and finding inspiration from tissue boxes while jihoon locks himself in the company’s studio, mixing and blending his imagination to life. soonyoung and jihoon understand it very well — feeling as if the entire group’s success is resting in their hands. they share the burden of being sensitive to the possibility that if the group fails, it will be their fault. soonyoung is convinced that that’s why he and jihoon can co-exist harmoniously because _that’s what makes us fit so well, right, jihoonie_?

and finally, _finally_ , they debut. on the night of their show, they sell out of tickets and receive a standing ovation. proudly debuting with the song adore u, the thirteen brothers were now, officially, in the industry. they were now known to the world as _seventeen_ — they had made it, together. all of their hard work, all of their tears, all of their blood, all of their sweat, and all of their doubts had paid off. backstage, jihoon and soonyoung cry their hearts out in the dressing room as they both hold on to each other as tight as they can.

♡

soonyoung observes the way jihoon throws his head back at what seungcheol says, laughter erupting from his throat. he twitches at the sight, a pang twinging in his chest, but soonyoung ignores it. there is something off-putting about the scene unfolding in front of him, but he can’t seem to put his finger around it. soonyoung shakes his head, turning his attention back to the audience in front of him, breaking into a grin as he takes in the crowd before him. he only smiles harder as he gapes at the light sticks waving at him and his members. cheers from the audience echo in his ears, settling his uneasy stomach, and soonyoung forgets the image of jihoon’s smile.

the blaring of the chords of their song pulses in soonyoung’s veins, intertwining his soul with the fan chants and the love that carats never fail to shower the group with. soonyoung almost tears up — carats love them as much as he and the boys love them. captivated by the blinding lights illuminating the arena, soonyoung can’t believe just how lucky he is to be living out his dream with his brothers and his fans. he blinks, falling into place effortlessly in their formation for _thanks_.

soonyoung times it perfectly, “carats-ah! this is for you!”

mantras of dedication and passion seep from his soul, spreading into the arena and fluttering around everybody on stage, sending along the message of appreciation with a kick of spirit and ambition. soonyoung can feel his limbs reinvigorate as carats sing along.

after the concert, thirteen bodies rush into the dressing room, collapsing onto the large, L-shaped couch. soonyoung sighs, running his hand through his matted hair, crinkling his nose as the wetness sticks to his fingers. the spot on the couch soonyoung is resting at dips as his best friend flops down next to him. wonwoo gives a tired smile to soonyoung before shutting his eyes. the dancer’s bones feel heavy, his head pounding in his ears, and blood rushing to his face. soonyoung's mind is shutting down, and though his body remains on high alert, soonyoung can barely feel his feet. soonyoung groans as the room ignites with screams from his members, slanted eyes scanning the room through heavy eyelids. seokmin and seungkwan engage in a rap battle, their volume increasing with every diss that he’s pretty sure bruises their egos. jeonghan is with joshua on the couch opposite of him, cooing at a video of puppies learning to howl. junhui and mingyu are heating up noodles, bouncing impatiently for the microwave timer to go off. minghao peeks over hansol’s shoulder as the chinese boy watches the two youngest members play a card game. soonyoung averts his gaze when he spots his co-leaders in the corner, chatting and immersed in their own world.

he feels the same uncomfortable twinge in his chest he had felt during the show. soonyoung huffs, grabbing his phone from the makeup table and muffling out the noise as he opens twitter.

soonyoung must have fallen asleep because he wakes up in his bed. he sits up, rubbing his eyes with his fists. the sunlight peeks through the curtain, engulfing the room with bright, orange streaks. soonyoung glances at the bed across his. hansol isn’t tangled up into the sheets, so he must be the last one up.

a soft knock echoes throughout the room, “soonyoung-hyung? are you awake?”

soonyoung rolls out of bed, squinting at the alarm clock on his bedside table. _8 in the morning_. he yawns, opening the door to mingyu’s fist in his face. soonyoung blinks, grabbing mingyu’s fist to block the clumsy boy from knocking out his teeth, setting down mingyu’s fist to his side. soonyoung definitely _did not_ want braces again.

“oh, sorry for waking you up. jeonghan-hyung said to wake you up so you can eat.”

soonyoung pats mingyu’s back, flashing him a sleepy smile. he shuffles into the kitchen, cringing at the sound of seungkwan’s voice as he, _again_ , picks a fight with chan.

soonyoung locks eyes with jihoon, “you were dead last night. we thought we’d let you sleep in more, but we have a meeting today.”

the dancer scratches his arm, his cheeks heating up at the sound of the producer's voice. he stands there completely speechless as jihoon hands him a plate of _hotteok_. soonyoung eats alone, wondering why his heart is beating so fast.

♡

honestly, soonyoung isn’t surprised. he should have expected it, _really_ , but somehow, his feelings for jihoon still catches him by surprise. soonyoung always knew that jihoon was different from the others. he loves all his members equally, but soonyoung loves jihoon _differently_. he didn’t know when his situation of undying friendship shifted to one of painful pining. soonyoung went from laughing with jihoon about bad movies and trying to get skinship from his as a joke — because soonyoung knows better than anyone that jihoon _hates_ being touched — to forcing himself to laugh off being brushed off whenever soonyoung sought out the tiny producer's affection and paying just a little bit more attention to jihoon.

soonyoung was almost ashamed at how much he noticed about jihoon, at how much he _remembered_. jihoon broke his arm in the third grade when he fell off his scooter on a walk with his family. jihoon’s favorite marvel character is groot, and jihoon hates parties because of the one time he threw up from the dizzying color schemes of the lights. jihoon pinches the bridge of his nose when he’s thinking or irritated, and jihoon can only ever start a bowl of rice once he stabs his chopsticks in the middle of it.

soonyoung has jihoon’s whole schedule engraved in his brain. _2am to 5am jihoon goes to the gym and afterwards he stuffs his face with spicy ramen from the convenience store across the street from the dorms. jihoon is nocturnal so he sleeps mostly through the day, and he spends most of his time in the studio. jihoon hates tea and takes his coffee black, so from 12pm to 1:30am, jihoon works and works and works with nothing to keep him running but that_.

soonyoung makes his way to jihoon’s studio, wanting to ask about how the lyrics for the upcoming comeback were coming together. he was in a bit of a funk, and soonyoung was hoping jihoon could give him some sort of demo that soonyoung can study. _jihoon probably hasn’t even eaten yet_. soonyoung frowns at that thought because he knows it’s more than likely that jihoon, in fact, did not. he stops by the vending machine outside the main hall to pick up some of jihoon’s guilty pleasures.

when soonyoung arrives, the door is slightly ajar. he knocks, just to be polite, before he walks right into the composer’s studio. jihoon swivels in his rolling chair, acknowledging soonyoung’s presence and encouraging him to make himself feel at home in the cramped studio space. jihoon sighs, clearly frustrated with how the song is coming along by the way soonyoung notices how hard jihoon pinches the bridge of his nose and inhales deeply.

soonyoung gulps, already scrabbling to take his leave, “is this a bad time? sorry, i could come back later-“

jihoon sets his headphones on his desk, giving the dancer his undivided attention, “it’s fine. i need a break anyways. what do you want?”

soonyoung smiles sheepishly, soaking in jihoon’s irritation. _fallin’ flower_ plays softly in the background, and soonyoung almost forgets why he came in here in the first place. soonyoung knows he shouldn’t, but he feels nervous around the younger man. jihoon’s eyebrow quirks, his lips pursing into a thin line. soonyoung knows by now that that means jihoon is getting impatient. soonyoung is quick to shove a cup of coffee into jihoon’s hands and place a plastic bag filled to the brim with snacks onto the floor, beside jihoon’s feet.

“i brought you snacks. it’s, uh, it’s not a lot, but i’m almost completely positive you didn’t eat yet.”

jihoon’s demeanor softens, mumbling a quick thanks before chugging down the hot beverage. soonyoung swallows hard. jihoon digs through the plastic bag, a hand unwrapping the chocolate bar.

jihoon sighs in delight as it touches his tongue, “this chocolate is my absolute favorite.”

“i know. i remember how much you used to eat it when we were trainees.”

jihoon wheezes, choking on the richness of the chocolate, smacking at his chest, “you remember that? god, that was so long ago. i don’t even eat this that much anymore!”

“of course i never forgot, jihoonie.”

jihoon bites back a snarky remark, deciding to rip open a bag of chips instead. soonyoung can’t help but smile at the boy in front of him, staring at jihoon longer than he meant to. soonyoung’s focus switches to jihoon’s lips, memorizing the younger’s curve of his cupid’s bow and its pretty, pink hue. jihoon’s hums of satisfaction match the waltz of soonyoung’s heartbeat. his trance is broken when jihoon lets out a pop, putting down the bag of chips on his desk.

soonyoung speaks before he can think, “you wanna get something to eat after this, ji?”

jihoon shoots him a smile, guilt pooling in his eyes, “maybe next time, cheol is taking me out tonight, his treat.”

soonyoung doesn’t miss the way jihoon’s eyes twinkle and cheeks redden at the mention of the eldest. he doesn’t miss the way jihoon chucks the can of cola into the trash can and whips around in his chair back to face his computer. soonyoung takes that as his cue to leave, his heart weighing several more pounds than from when he first walked in. soonyoung carries his weight to the bathroom, sliding down the cool surface as he brings his knees to his chest. there’s a tickle in his throat, and soonyoung coughs, hoping to get it out. instead, soonyoung only coughs more.

_fuck_. this was never supposed to happen.

soonyoung stares at the pretty pink petal in his hand. a pink camellia. _longing for you_. soonyoung laughs at how fitting the situation is. _soonyoung has longed for jihoon for years_. soonyoung wipes his tears, snapshots of a small, raven-haired boy weaved into his brain. he hears the echoing of jihoon’s laughter siren in his ears, making him feel sick. the world stops, and soonyoung can only laugh harder.

♡

soonyoung groans, sinking himself further into the cushions. _why won’t this stupid crush go away_? soonyoung had predicted that his feelings for jihoon would end, considering soonyoung was very much well aware of how jihoon saw him. he knew he and jihoon were the duo that everyone wishes they could be because of how true and comfortable their friendship is, but soonyoung can’t take all of the credit. he loves jihoon. he _loves_ the way jihoon’s eyes sparkle as he indulges in a bowl of rice. he _loves_ the way jihoon sings with his entire body, emotions and passions and hopes and dreams wafting off of him with every word. he _even loves_ the way jihoon clicks his tongue when he wants to be held or if he loses at a video game. soonyoung knows — _he’s loved jihoon ever since the first time they met_.

but soonyoung also knows that that’s all jihoon sees him as, _a friend_. jihoon tolerates soonyoung, but jihoon never lets himself get too close, and soonyoung respects that. it still doesn’t stop soonyoung from loving jihoon wholeheartedly. it still doesn’t stop soonyoung from throwing himself completely into jihoon, diving in head first.

wonwoo raises an eyebrow at him, pausing his game to look at him, “dude, are you okay?”

soonyoung’s thoughts are cut short. he feels a wave of sadness rush over him as he meets wonwoo’s stare. wonwoo can see the fluctuations of worry and curiosity in his friend’s eyes. wonwoo scoots closer to the dancer, placing a reassuring hand on soonyoung’s shoulder to let him know that he is listening.

“i’m in love with jihoon.”

wonwoo blinks at him, “i thought that was obvious.”

soonyoung hits him in the shoulder, “fuck, won. what do i do?”

wonwoo gawks at him for a moment, pondering his thoughts carefully and choosing his words wisely. he takes the hand that was on soonyoung’s shoulder and places it on his back.

“you should tell him.”

soonyoung whirls his head around at his best friend, eyes blown wide as if the man next to him had two heads.

“you know i can’t. you know how he feels about seungcheol.”

 _seungcheol_. the name leaves a bitter taste on his tongue. he is the boy jihoon loves. he is the boy who jihoon is out with right now. seungcheol is the boy _who is not soonyoung_. seungcheol is the boy soonyoung could never be and _will never be_.

wonwoo hums in agreement, sending soonyoung a sympathetic look, rubbing him on the back. the boys sit in silence while wonwoo lets soonyoung nose his way into his side, bringing his hands to thread through the maseok-raised boy’s hair to coax soonyoung to cry. wonwoo’s own heart breaks for his friend, wishing that things were easier.

“i don’t even know when it happened, won.”

“what do you mean?”

soonyoung sniffles, wiping his nose on wonwoo’s shirt, and wonwoo tries really hard not to recoil.

“like, falling in love with him. there just became a point where i stopped wanting to be his friend because i wanted to be his boyfriend instead.”

wonwoo shrugs as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, petting the gemini’s hair, “maybe you always loved jihoon, but you didn’t know it. jihoon was always different to you, wasn’t he?”

soonyoung weeps harder, “yeah, yeah, he really is.”

 _is_ , not _was_. jihoon remains different to soonyoung and he will continue to be. soonyoung ignores the itch in his throat, swallowing it down despite the burn it leaves in his esophagus. he snuggles further into wonwoo, drifting off to sleep with the thought of a certain person stuck in his brain.

♡

soonyoung stands up with shaking legs, scuffling to the bathroom to wrap the petal in toilet paper before flushing it down the toilet without a word. soonyoung strolls into the living room, wincing at the shrieks that immediately force its way into his ears. he sits down on the couch, joining the members in their movie marathon, _love actually_ playing on the screen. soonyoung follows the shadow of jihoon, regretting his choice as soon as he spots jihoon wrapped up in seungcheol’s arms, a fond smile on both of their faces.

it’s really not the leader’s fault that their smallest member fell for him — seungcheol was kind and big-hearted. he loved everyone without any boundaries and he would risk his life for anyone. seungcheol has the cutest gummy smile, and soonyoung doesn’t hold it against him. it’s not his fault that jihoon doesn’t love soonyoung back. _well, at least it’s seungcheol_. at least jihoon is in love with a reliable, selfless man and not some asshole. the thought should make soonyoung feel a little better, but soonyoung just feels sick all over again. soonyoung gets up from his seat and sneaks away from the crowd of bodies. once he shuts the door to his bedroom, the petals in his throat resurface and soonyoung can only breathe through his nose. he lets the petals fall and he lets the petals surround him. he lets the petals scratch up his throat. soonyoung doesn’t hear the door open up behind him until it’s too late.

“ _what the fuck, soonyoung_?”

soonyoung doesn’t say anything. he feels a hand on his back, pulling soonyoung to his feet. soonyoung peeks at his best friend with glazed eyes, fingers curling around wonwoo’s t-shirt.

“don’t tell anyone, _please_ won, don’t say anything.”

wonwoo inhales sharply through his nose, connecting eyes with the dancer. wonwoo shakes his head, but he knows soonyoung knows his answer.

“fuck, soon. are you kidding me right now?”

soonyoung crumples in the rapper’s arms, “i know.”

wonwoo gathers up the fallen petals and throws it into the trash bin. soonyoung is hiccuping in front of him, burying his head further into his hands. wonwoo gathers the performance unit leader into his chest, threading slender fingers through soonyoung’s hair as wonwoo drags him to the bed and shoves soonyoung underneath the covers. wonwoo tucks them both under the sheets, wrapping an arm around his friend.

“how long?”

soonyoung mulls it over in his head for a moment, “probably a few days now, maybe a week.”

“soon, you know what this means. this shit _kills_. you have to tell jihoon.”

soonyoung clicks his tongue, “i will not. he’s so happy with cheol-hyung. i can’t take that away from him.”

“then get the surgery.”

soonyoung’s breath hitches, his hands pressing into wonwoo’s chest, shooing him away.

“ _i can’t, won_.”

wonwoo sighs, running a hand through his hair, “so what now, soonyoung? what the fuck are you gonna do?”

soonyoung flips around, turning his back on his best friend, and soonyoung can already see the younger’s face in his mind before he even says the words.

“ _i don’t know_.”

♡

soonyoung lets the music flood his eardrums as he sucks in a breath, the steady clap of a metronome resonating off the walls. he indulges himself in the melody, moving to the rhythm, using jihoon’s vocals as a guide. jihoon gently opens the door to the practice room. soonyoung doesn’t seem to notice him until he hears the clearing of a throat. he stumbles over his own feet as soonyoung turns around to see the boy he loves so much. jihoon allows himself to slip through the doors, walking towards the dancer as soonyoung turns off the speakers and leans against the wall. he clenches his fists tighter as jihoon practically glows beside him.

soonyoung glances at the producer, cheeks flushed and out of breath, “hey, jihoon. did you need something?”

jihoon doesn’t respond. instead the younger hands him a water bottle, “you know, soonyoung, practice ended hours ago. why the hell are you still here?”

soonyoung snorts, “i can ask you the same thing.”

jihoon shrugs, “i was waiting for you.”

soonyoung freezes, cheeks heating up for a different reason now. his heart beats rapidly in his chest, feeling the familiar warmth that only jihoon gives him. he notices the slight tint to jihoon’s ears, basking in the way the sunset peers into the room and shows off jihoon’s fair complexion.

jihoon steps forward, “actually soonyoung, i wanted to tell you something. i wanted you to be the first one to know.”

soonyoung halts, his heart stopping in his chest. soonyoung doesn’t want to think too much into it, but he has hope.

“what is it, ji?”

jihoon beams, engulfing himself into soonyoung’s embrace, “seungcheol asked me out! i can't believe it finally happened! honestly, i never thought it would go this far!”

 _and the hope in soonyoung’s chest completely shatters_ , the splitting of his own heart obnoxiously replaying in his head. he engrosses himself in jihoon’s aura, his heart twisting painfully at the sound of jihoon’s gushing. soonyoung notices jihoon’s smile — _it was breathtaking_. well, if soonyoung couldn’t be for jihoon, then he wanted the boy to be happy. _even if it wasn’t him_. soonyoung is impressed with the stability in his voice, though it sounded wrong and strained even to him.

soonyoung forces a grin, “i’m happy for you, ji. it took you guys long enough.”

of course, soonyoung knows jihoon doesn’t mean to hurt him. the singer doesn’t realize that his words absolutely crush the dancer’s world into a million pieces, soonyoung’s lungs constricting with every syllable. his lips curl from ear to ear, yet soonyoung knows it doesn’t meet his eyes.

soonyoung pushes jihoon off of him, missing how the smaller boy shrinks with hurt. soonyoung makes up his mind, burying the last of his feelings for jihoon deep in his heart. he places a hand onto jihoon’s shoulder, giving a comforting squeeze.

 _he looks happy_. soonyoung stumbles out of the practice room with a broken heart, making up his mind to let his love suffocate him, even if it means that he would die. he loves jihoon enough to let him love and to let him live. soonyoung makes up his mind — he’s going to die loving jihoon and he doesn’t spend another moment dwelling on it.

soonyoung confides in wonwoo’s warmth that night as pink petals retch from his throat and litter onto the floor. he grieves for a love he never had, he aches for a love he never will have, and he mourns for the loss of divinity and simplicity.

♡

soonyoung decides to avoid jihoon after that. he leaves the room whenever jihoon enters, he lets himself be whisked away from other members to bypass having to talk to jihoon in his studio, and he would stay in the practice room more often and later to avoid bumping into the producer. jihoon and the other members are starting to catch on to soonyoung’s new habits, but because their comeback is right around the corner, they let it go. soonyoung works himself to death and everyone knows it. soonyoung can feel the atmosphere change drastically whenever jihoon is near, his skin lining up with goosebumps at the tense environment.

soonyoung excuses himself to go to the practice room for the fourth time this week, whipping out the lame “ _oh-i’m-working-harder-to-fix-the-choreography-because-it’s-bad-and-i’m-totally-not-avoiding-jihoon-card_ ” and by the graces of god, they let him be. soonyoung doesn’t waste another moment in the dorms, scurrying off to put on his shoes and sling his bag over his shoulders before dashing off to anywhere jihoon isn't.

but even through soonyoung’s futile attempts to ignore the smaller boy, the flowers in his lungs still flourish. every day gets worse as seungcheol and jihoon stick together like glue, having recently announced their relationship to the group. though the boys were ecstatic and supportive of them, soonyoung still feels a wave of nausea hit him as the leader feeds a strawberry to the producer. the itch of the petals in his throat make soonyoung’s skin crawl, his hands shaking as jihoon giggles. soonyoung scoots his chair away from the table, ignoring the twelve pairs of eyes on him again and politely dismisses himself to the bathroom, bowing a full 90 degrees before storming off. once soonyoung hears the door click behind him, the flowers in his chest rip out of him. barking and barking until every thorn was out, he doubles over in pain, peering at the beautiful pink petals that were coated in red.

“soonyoung, _please_ , you have to get the surgery.”

soonyoung narrows his eyes at his best friend, “i said no, won. i don’t know how many times i’ve told you this.”

wonwoo relents, “you’re dying, soonyoung. and for what? it’s not going away, in fact, it’s getting worse every fucking day. don’t fucking throw your life away for _shit that doesn’t even matter_. i don’t give a shit if it’s jihoon, i wouldn’t even care if it was taemin! _please don’t let yourself die because of him_.”

soonyoung scoffs, “jihoon is worth the pain, wonwoo.”

wonwoo is yelling now, “ _jihoon doesn’t love you, soonyoung_!”

soonyoung falls backward, the weight of wonwoo’s words hitting him full force as his body slams into the wall. soonyoung knows it’s true, but he doesn’t care. loving jihoon _hurts_ , but soonyoung can’t bring himself to stop. he can’t bear the thought of going to sleep with his heart calling jihoon’s name and waking up the same day with no recollection of how much soonyoung would have given for jihoon, how much soonyoung would have practically worshipped the ground jihoon walked on. wonwoo is gleaming with anger and worry, and soonyoung feels bad at how much he cares. wonwoo is looking out for him, wonwoo wants soonyoung to live, he's _begging_ for him to live, and soonyoung doesn’t even mind dying. soonyoung isn’t scared to die, and they both know soonyoung is more than willing to.

soonyoung’s voice drops, his voice tired and words too heavy on his tongue, “i love him too much to let him go. i’d rather die being in love with jihoon than live without the way he makes my skin tingle. loving him makes me feel alive.”

wonwoo releases a scream of anguish before stalking off, slamming the door behind him. soonyoung sinks down to the floor, his back digging painfully into the wood. it’s ironic, isn’t it? loving jihoon makes soonyoung feel alive when it’s literally killing him from the inside. it’s a twisted joke, but this time, soonyoung doesn’t laugh.

♡

soonyoung sighs, reading out the words on his desk. the scribbles of black ink written on the white sheet of paper mock him, reminding him of how pathetic he is. soonyoung has, surprisingly, taken a liking to writing. it helps him connect with his thoughts. he likes the way words flow out from him without any reprieve and how easy it comes to him. soonyoung begins to understand part of the reason why jihoon enjoys making lyrics — he supposes it’s all part of the magic.

soonyoung’s shoulders droop at the thought of the composer. soonyoung is so in love with the boy, and unfortunately, jihoon doesn’t feel the same way. of course, soonyoung knows this very well, but he tortures himself anyways. he never lets himself forget. soonyoung gives the words a quick proofread again before he closes the journal and placing it in the desk’s drawer. with a heavy heart, soonyoung sighs once more and shuts the door behind him.

his elbow collides with the closed door, landing on his ankles as he bumps into someone’s chest.

“shit, sorry, soonyoung. i didn’t see you there.”

soonyoung internally cracks up at his luck, because fuck, it’s _lee jihoon_ in front of him, offering his hand out to help soonyoung up.

soonyoung dusts his hands off on his hoodie, “it’s fine, i didn’t see you either.”

“are you okay? that fall looked like it hurt.”

it did. his ankles were sore, his right elbow knocked into the doorknob, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it does whenever soonyoung looks at jihoon.

“it’s fine, i should’ve been more careful, are you okay?”

jihoon nods, biting his lip. soonyoung’s heart compresses in his chest, thumping against his ribcage. soonyoung knows it’s time for him to leave. he turns on his heel, setting the bridge that leads him to jihoon aflame.

“soonyoung… are we… are we okay?”

soonyoung stops, spinning back on his heels to face jihoon, the tiniest smile playing on his lips, “yeah. yeah, we’re okay, jihoon.”

“it just feels like you’ve been avoiding me? it’s been different between us lately.”

soonyoung swallows, “i’m not avoiding you, ji. sorry if it’s been seeming that way, but i’ve been busy. you know how it is.”

soonyoung lies straight though his teeth, his fingers crossed behind his back because he prays jihoon doesn’t pick up on it. jihoon blinks at him, slowly, studying soonyoung’s face. jihoon shrugs, not mentioning the fact that he knows soonyoung just lied to his face. he licks his lips, tilting his chin towards soonyoung. soonyoung’s mouth tastes like perfume. he nudges past jihoon the next second, lingering a comforting hand onto his back before the bridge linking them together finally burns down.

♡

practice rolls around, and the flood of ten more bodies suffocate the choreographer. soonyoung takes attendance in his head, counting off only eleven members, himself included. he deflates, _jihoon and seungcheol aren’t here_.

the maknae skips innocently to where he is, slowing his pace as chan flings an arm around soonyoung, “hey, hyung, are you okay?”

the unit leader buzzes in acknowledgement, flipping on the speaker and letting the vibration of the music fill the room. he knows chan’s a pawn in jeonghan’s game, but it doesn’t matter.

chan doesn’t let up, “you’ve been different lately. are you avoiding jihoon-hyung?”

soonyoung’s eye spasms, his hands clutching at the cord of the speaker, “i’ve been busy. that has nothing to do with jihoon.”

chan snuffs, “i’m just saying, hyung. come to think of it, i don’t think we have seen you and jihoon-hyung interact for weeks now.”

chan turns around to get in position before facing soonyoung again when his eyes point back to his leader, “did you and jihoon-hyung get into a fight?”

soonyoung opens his mouth to speak, but he misses the chance to as the door flies open. soonyoung almost feels relieved at the interruption, but when seungcheol and jihoon file in, their hair messy and lips swollen, soonyoung thinks it would have been better to have never seen it at all. it’s obvious what happened between his co-leaders — the members snicker, but soonyoung pretends to not notice. seungcheol passes the choreographer an apologetic look, and soonyoung lets it go. soonyoung purses his lips as jihoon edges towards him with long strides.

“sorry soonyoung, we were busy. did we miss anything?”

without missing a beat, soonyoung waves a hand of dismissal, “it’s fine. get in your spot, where you’re standing isn’t it.”

soonyoung doesn’t think about the way jihoon’s bottom lips trembles. he faces away from the younger boy and counts off the beats. replaying the song from the start, soonyoung acquiesces the transformation of hoshi. the music pulses through his veins, his limbs carrying him with every staccato. his feet don’t feel like his, his head throbs with headache, and his body moves in a way that is too mechanic, but soonyoung’s eyes still continue to drift over to his members. observing their moves and precision, his resolve falters when his eyes rest a second too long on jihoon’s figure. soonyoung sulks, feeling his heart flutter in his chest and his lungs bleeding with thorns.

♡

weeks go by, and honestly, nothing really changes. soonyoung could say that he was surprised, but he’d be lying. soonyoung still loves jihoon with every fiber of his being. he pitifully endures each sacred moment of the petals in his lungs tearing him apart, but jihoon is happy. jihoon is happy in seungcheol’s arms. soonyoung treasures the petals in lungs because it’s a painful reminder that jihoon is happy. jihoon is happy, _without him_ , and soonyoung knows that he never even stood a chance. jihoon has never been more radiant in all of soonyoung’s years of knowing him.

the members don’t buy his excuses anymore, but they don’t urge him to tell the truth either. jihoon becomes more petulant the more soonyoung ignores him, and soonyoung knows that jihoon knows he is, indeed, being ignored.

it’s sad to think about, soonyoung contemplates. the boy he wants so badly to be his, the boy soonyoung so badly wants to keep warm, the boy soonyoung so badly wants for him to love him back is the same one soonyoung had met in a stuffy practice room who made dolphin whistle tones and jumped rope like crazy five years ago.

soonyoung almost laughs at how comical this whole thing is. he wonders how the legendary hoshi-woozi combination came to be this way. they went from being attached to the hip, taking road trips down to busan to visit jihoon’s family every month and sleeping together in the same bed whenever jihoon snuck into his room after a hard day at the studio to being complete strangers who worked in the same space. they started to talk less and less as the years went by, partly from their responsibilities as leaders, but also from something else that soonyoung can’t really explain.

at first it was truly because they were busy, between preparing pieces and dances and taking care of their health, they didn’t have time to socialize. afterwards, it just became a routine — they weren't the first ones to greet each other in the morning, they weren’t the ones to snuggle up into when days at work got difficult, and they weren’t the ones to save each other a seat at the dinner tables anymore.

soonyoung thinks, _believes_ , that it was also due to the unspoken tension between them. soonyoung and jihoon were just _different_ , and everyone knew it. there was something about the two that left them breathless from pushing and pulling. they were at the line, blurred between friendship and lovers, but no one dared to cross it. they both carried this spunk, this _chemistry_ that balanced them out perfectly like fire and water.

soonyoung is energetic and chaotic, resembling fire as he burns with passion and conviction. soonyoung burns with sincerity, though he is disorganized with how quick his thoughts come. jihoon is the water to cool down the flame when it burns too bright, too hot, his magic flowing smoothly and calmly. he likes his space and flows with eloquence. jihoon takes his time to perfect his work, flowing freely and surely with how flexible and intricate his thoughts are.

jihoon is there to calm soonyoung’s nerves, holding onto his hand through airplane rides and rollercoaster drops, knowing that soonyoung is scared of heights. when soonyoung becomes stressed with choreography stumps, jihoon sings to him until soonyoung either falls asleep or rocks his movement to the timbre of jihoon’s voice. soonyoung is there to rile jihoon up, forcing jihoon to make hearts with him and cracking (bad) jokes, knowing that it drives jihoon crazy. when jihoon can’t seem to find the right words for lyrics, soonyoung tells him about his day until jihoon is plucking random chords out of thin air or laughing along to his silly antics.

the real hoshi-woozi combination is the two of them staying up until morning just talking, falling asleep together and waking up together to seungcheol’s lectures. the real hoshi-woozi duo is them just being them, no cameras around to force them to touch and play around. the real them is being together and enjoying each other’s company. whether it was them eating together or playing mariokart or simply being beside one another, soonyoung and jihoon were themselves. they didn’t have to blatantly show how well they fit because they already knew it. soonyoung feels a sense of pride knowing that jihoon exposes his heart for no one except him. soonyoung knows the genuine lee jihoon, and he swears that jihoon has never been more beautiful.

 _that is what makes soonyoung fall into jihoon even more_ , and suddenly it all rings clear to soonyoung. jihoon was _always_ it, and nobody ever compared.

but the hoshi-woozi combination is no longer them — they’re just hoshi and woozi now.

soonyoung coughs, smiling down at the petals underneath him. the pretty pink petals paint themselves red. well, actually, the pretty pink petals blossom into pretty pink flowers that paint themselves red. the flowers block his airway, growing bigger every day to match soonyoung’s growing love for jihoon. wonwoo gives him disapproving glares as soonyoung’s health declines, but soonyoung doesn’t care. no matter how much it hurts, no matter how fast his life was diminishing, soonyoung doesn’t budge. he sticks to his vow that he will continue to love jihoon until his last breath. he flushes away the flowers rooted deeply in his lungs, the thorns cutting up his organs and rendering his voice coarse. _for jihoon, it’s okay_.

soonyoung wanders out of the bathroom, his footsteps raucous in his ears with every step he takes towards the living room. jihoon is cuddled up comfortably into seungcheol’s arm, and soonyoung can taste his stomach lining on his tongue. soonyoung feels as if he’s intruding on a moment no one else is meant to see. he breathes, letting himself wallow in jihoon for another minute. when soonyoung sucks in again, his 10:10 eyes are no longer dazed with pictures of jihoon. willing the flowers away, soonyoung shrugs, turning his head to the side when he feels seokmin poke at his side.

soonyoung giggles, swatting his hand away, “minnie, stop! that tickles!”

the vocalist gives him a shameless smirk, pearly white and perfect. “sorry, hyung, but i was just gonna ask if you wanted to grab something to eat? i’m starving.”

soonyoung rises from the couch, already gathering his things, tugging at the younger boy’s arm, “sure! hyung will treat you!”

seokmin doesn’t object, knowing that food tastes better when it doesn’t involve his wallet. soonyoung fails to notice the pair of eyes following him out the door, but he manages to forget about jihoon for an hour. for the first time, soonyoung isn’t worried about the cursed flowers thriving beautifully in his lungs.

♡

it’s after a v-live when it finally happens. jihoon trudges over to soonyoung, snatching the airpods out of the dancer’s ears and shoving them into his pocket.

“jihoon, what-”

jihoon cuts him off, crossing his arms and holding up a hand that shuts soonyoung up, “what’s wrong with you?”

soonyoung tilts his head, “what?”

jihoon exhales. if they were in a cartoon, soonyoung would basically see the steam emanating off of jihoon’s body as jihoon tries to control his anger, “why are you avoiding me?”

“i’m not avoiding you, jihoon.”

jihoon cackles, venom dripping with every word, “right. so you’re just _accidentally_ running out of the room whenever i’m there and _accidentally_ coming to the practice room at ungodly hours and then leaving at even more ungodly times. you’re _accidentally_ letting yourself be dragged away by other members to do _chores_. what the fuck, you hate chores, but you’re doing it because you’re avoiding me.”

soonyoung would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel intimidated by jihoon’s temper. jihoon is angry at him, and soonyoung knows that he deserves it. after all, soonyoung was the one to stop interacting with the younger in the first place. he was the one who did so without giving jihoon so much as a warning nor an explanation. soonyoung can feel the entire room witnessing their encounter, eleven pairs of eyes on their backs. he’s embarrassed, but he would rather not have this conversation in the middle of their practice room, in front of his members who didn’t know he was suffering from a fucking flower disease.

“jihoon, not right now.”

soonyoung regrets his choice of words, considering how loud jihoon screams and stomps his foot. soonyoung slowly loses patience with jihoon for his behavior. it’s rare that he gets frustrated with the producer, but jihoon doesn’t back down.

“ _no_! we are going to talk about this right now! what happened to that time last week, huh? you said it was because we were both busy. you’re a fucking liar, soonyoung. i know you better than anyone to know that, but i trusted you anyways! what is your problem? do you hate me that much? what did i ever do to you? we used to be so good together, soonyoung. we used to do everything together and be the power duo. did you forget about the hoshi-woozi dynamic? now i barely fucking know you because you won’t even look at me!”

seungcheol makes his way towards them, ready to set a hand on jihoon in case he jumps onto soonyoung to beat him to a pulp. seungcheol’s line of vision follows jihoon’s movements, his eyes glazed with worry for the smaller male. soonyoung gnaws at his tongue, the flowers threatening him, tickling his throat to try and trick soonyoung into setting them free.

“jihoon, _not now_.”

soonyoung snaps as harshly as he can, begging, hoping that jihoon just gives up and takes the hint. jihoon is taken aback by how frigid soonyoung is towards him, pupils wide and lips quivering. seungcheol rushes over to jihoon’s side, pulling him away from soonyoung, sweeping jihoon’s bangs back behind his ears and whispering into his ear. soonyoung watches as jihoon’s eyes lift, his breathing becoming more normal. jihoon nods at seungcheol’s words, and jihoon slumps into the leader’s touch as his anger dissipates.

the tickling in his throat worsens, and soonyoung rips his eyes away from the pair, forcing himself to concentrate on keeping the flowers down. soonyoung bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood, but all soonyoung can focus on is how close he is to throwing up his secret. he can _never_ hate jihoon. jihoon was wrong, he doesn't know him as well as he says if he couldn’t see how infatuated soonyoung is with him. _i’m sorry, hoonie. i love you so much_. his chest heaves rapidly, and joshua is the first one to notice.

“soonyoung? are you okay?”

like bodies resembling human dominoes, the remaining members turn their attention to the dance leader, eyes as huge as saucers at how fast soonyoung is breathing. wonwoo musters up a brave step towards soonyoung, and soonyoung cowardly flies backward, trying to mask his discomfort. _i love you so much. please don’t hate me. please don’t blame yourself_.

all soonyoung can think about is how deeply in love with jihoon he is and how utterly and completely fucked he’s gotten himself. soonyoung blinks, but all he can see is jihoon. he keeps seeing jihoon snuggled up into his side after dance practice, jihoon handing him a plate of hotteok, jihoon ghosting his fingers over his as jihoon teaches him how to play mariokart, jihoon in the front seat of soonyoung’s car, laughing as the wind breaks through his hair, but most of all, soonyoung keeps seeing jihoon backed up into the wall, lips pouty and wet, cheeks as pink as his hair as soonyoung stares down at jihoon, mouths only mere centimeters away from connecting.

soonyoung knows that he can’t keep it in much longer. jihoon’s eyes meet his, his eyes laced with concern and guilt. soonyoung chokes, the flowers resting on his tongue. soonyoung glances at himself in the mirror, mouth falling open slightly at the sight of how pale he is, his lips turning blue from the lack of oxygen. _i love you so much, jihoon. please be happy forever_.

“soonyoung? breathe, it’s okay, we’re here for you.”

his ears chime, tuning out jeonghan’s tender words and protective arm around his waist because all he can think about is _how much he loves lee jihoon_. as the noise fades to static, it dawns upon soonyoung that he really will die if he continues to love jihoon. soonyoung wants him so badly, he misses jihoon, he craves him so badly, but soonyoung knows jihoon is unobtainable. jihoon will never be on the same wavelength as soonyoung — jihoon will forever continue to remain only a distant dream.

soonyoung said it before, and he’ll gladly say it again. he’s meant it everytime. soonyoung really doesn’t care, and he will continue to love jihoon. though he wishes he could do it for longer, soonyoung doesn’t know how much time he has left before his heart stops. the scariest part of the flowers blooming in his chest wasn’t dying — it was the fact that he _isn’t_ afraid to die.

soonyoung really means it when he promises himself that he will die doing what he does best and doing what he loves the most — loving his jihoon. jihoon wasn’t his, he was never his, he will never be his, and soonyoung’s eyes roll back into his head, light-headed from fighting his feelings for too long. he struggles to keep his composure, his front crumbling down in a matter of seconds. still, soonyoung pretends.

the members are panicking now with how pale soonyoung is quickly turning. his breathing loses its rhythm as his members scream his name. soonyoung fixes his eyesight on wonwoo’s figure, his mouth moving frantically as he tries to coach soonyoung to _just fucking breathe_!

when jihoon starts bawling and seungcheol kisses his tears away, soonyoung stops fighting and acquiesces, his body letting his defenses tumble down. suddenly, soonyoung can’t hold on anymore. with one last photograph of jihoon flashing into his brain, soonyoung lets go. he lets the flowers consume him. soonyoung permits the flowers to wiggle their way out of his lungs and drown him up to his knees on the practice room floor.

 _i’m sorry, jihoon. i love you so much_.

soonyoung barely makes out a fuzzy silhouette of a hand scrambling to steady him, reaching out to catch him before he hits the floor.

♡

_the wind blows through the car, creating a pleasant breeze to cool them down from the summer heat. bruno mars blast through the speakers, jihoon bopping his head along to the melody as soonyoung belts out every note_.

 _jihoon plays with soonyoung’s ring finger, bringing it to his lips to press a chaste kiss upon chubby knuckles_.

“ _jihoon, wait, i’m driving_!”

 _soonyoung glances over at his best friend in the passenger seat of his car. he takes his eyes off the road for just one second, but it’s enough for soonyoung to see the emotions flurrying in jihoon’s_.

 _soonyoung pulls over, turning off the engine and intertwining his fingers with jihoon’s. jihoon leans his head against the headrest, swallowing the lump in his throat_.

“ _what is it, hoonie_?”

 _jihoon opens his eyes, his body shaking and wracking with sobs_.

 _soonyoung scoops jihoon into his lap in an instant, sliding off their seat belts and carrying the both of them into the backseat. soonyoung shushes jihoon’s cries, combing his free hand through jihoon’s pink hair. jihoon squirms above him, tiny fists curling around soonyoung’s collar_.

“ _i don’t want this to end, soonie_.”

 _jihoon buries his face into soonyoung’s neck, breathing in his scent. soonyoung lets him — he knows jihoon rarely expresses his feelings and he rarely lets his guard down enough for him to be completely vulnerable. he knows jihoon needs this_.

“ _what to end, ji_?”

 _jihoon gestures to their joined hands, “this. i know we’ve always been different, but… what we have is so special, soonyoung. you drive me to busan every month and stay up late with me in the studio and buy me coffee. you hold me so close even when i push you away. you don’t have to, but you do it for me anyways_.”

 _soonyoung tsks, gripping jihoon’s hand a little tighter. “i told you this, ji. i do all those things because i want to and because you deserve it. besides, i know you’d do the same for me. you literally eat the brussel sprouts from my soup bowl whenever we order pho because you know i hate them_.”

 _jihoon cocks his head up to level himself with soonyoung’s height, “do you think it’ll ever change, our feelings for each other? do you think it’ll become any less… real_?”

“ _why would it change_?”

 _jihoon shrugs, biting his lip, “we’re idols now. it’s not that easy_.”

“ _it won’t change, and you know that. have you heard of the hoshi-woozi combination_?”

 _jihoon snorts, “we make a pretty good pair, don’t we_?”

 _soonyoung flushes, tucking jihoon closer into his lap, “we make the best pair_.”

“ _forever_?”

 _soonyoung links his pinky with jihoon’s and places a soft, feather-light kiss to his nailbed, “forever and ever_.”

“ _i love you, soonyoung_.”

“i love you too, jihoonie.”

 _the two idols fall asleep in the backseat of soonyoung’s car. jihoon rests his head on soonyoung’s chest, the sound of soonyoung’s heartbeat lulling him to sleep while soonyoung tightens his hold around his waist_.

 _nothing will break apart their love. soonyoung and jihoon were ready to take on the world head on as long as they were together — they were the hoshi-woozi duo after all_.

♡

jihoon is fuming. he hasn’t seen soonyoung in weeks and he’s sick of having the dancer lie to him straight to his face. he knows that he should wait until they’re alone, but jihoon has had enough. it’s been difficult for jihoon lately, and although he and soonyoung aren’t as close as they were before, soonyoung has always been someone that jihoon feels truly comfortable with. sure, he has seungcheol but it isn’t the same. soonyoung was always different. jihoon feels his adrenaline kicking in as soonyoung high-fives minghao, ruffling his hair. soonyoung sticks his airpods in his ears as he bids farewell to his members, retreating back to the dorms to sleep. jihoon doesn’t feel his feet moving until soonyoung is in front of him. jihoon yanks the airpods from soonyoung’s ears, bunching them up into the pocket of his hoodie.

“jihoon, what-“

jihoon crosses his arm, holding his hand up, “what is wrong with you?”

soonyoung blinks, “what?”

“why are you avoiding me?”

soonyoung lets out a shaky laugh, “i’m not avoiding you, jihoon.”

jihoon clicks his tongue. soonyoung’s lying. _again_. he just wants to know why soonyoung can’t even look at him. he wants to know why soonyoung can’t be around him anymore. jihoon was never good with affection, but he would be lying if he said that he doesn’t miss soonyoung chasing after him. he misses soonyoung and everything that came with him.

“you think this is funny? you think it’s cute? soonyoung, we can’t even eat at the same fucking dinner table anymore! if you’re mad at me, then fucking say it! you’re a coward, kwon soonyoung! we’re leaders, act like it!”

jihoon can feel himself growing angrier and angrier as he spits out his frustrations at the gemini. even as soonyoung fires back, jihoon doesn’t surrender. they were always the worst when they fought, not that it happened often, but they were both stubborn. jihoon feels himself being cradled by strong arms, and jihoon melts into the touch. seungcheol is there with him, whispering in his ear and rubbing circles in his back. jihoon no longer sees red and he can breathe a little easier.

“soonyoung? are you okay?”

jihoon whips his body to soonyoung’s direction. his heart drops at how pale soonyoung is. shivers run down his spine as jihoon is hit with a wave of queasiness. _it’s because of me_. soonyoung backs himself further into the wall, clutching at his chest. jihoon swallows, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. _soonyoung, i didn’t mean it_.

soonyoung locks eyes with jihoon, the older choking on his tongue and it echoes in jihoon’s ears. _it’s my fault. i was too harsh on him_. soonyoung is in pain, soonyoung needs help, so _why is he just standing there_?

seungcheol hushes jihoon’s cries, dabbing away at his tears. when soonyoung doubles over, jihoon feels his heart stop. he grimaces at the view of pastel pink flower petals leaving soonyoung’s throat, piling high onto the floor. soonyoung heaves, his knees buckling underneath him. jihoon notices the sway of soonyoung’s hips and the way his eyes roll back into his skull. jihoon sprints to his co-leader’s side, yanking his body from seungcheol’s embrace. jihoon runs faster than he ever has before, supporting soonyoung’s weight as soonyoung falls limp. jihoon barely makes it before soonyoung can topple down to the floor. jeonghan lurches forward, taking soonyoung from jihoon and setting him down on the floor. jeonghan looks up at them with wide eyes, tears flowing down his cheeks in a steady stream. his voice is barely above a whisper, but everyone hears it.

“he’s not breathing.”

jeonghan checks again, furiously pumping at soonyoung’s chest and screaming at him to wake up. jeonghan bursts into tears as he repeats those three words. joshua has to pry jeonghan off soonyoung’s body, but jeonghan was kicking and trying to get back to soonyoung’s side so he could save his little brother. seungkwan cries his heart out with seokmin in his arms. junhui lays down next to soonyoung’s body, interlocking their fingers together as he tries to find a pulse. junhui prays in mandarin when he feels a faint rhythm. hansol looks away from soonyoung’s body, while minghao guides chan away from the scene. mingyu has tears in his eyes, but he’s trying to keep calm. wonwoo falls to his knees, screaming in agony as he punches the wall. seungcheol shovels soonyoung onto his back, scooping him up and rushing to the door. jihoon feels sick as soonyoung lies practically dead in front of him. his heart tightens in his chest, his thoughts filled with the man who loves tigers. soonyoung was suffering and nobody even knew.

“we can’t wait for the ambulance to show up.” seungcheol readjusts his grip on soonyoung, stopping in front of joshua.

“shua, take the kids home. i’ll take soonyoung to the hospital.”

the leader’s words are enough to cause an uproar. wonwoo lunges at the eldest, fingers curling around his collar.

“we’re coming with you. soonyoung is our brother too.”

seungcheol hisses at the disrespect, “fine. but hurry.”

♡

the ride to the hospital was rough, but being in the waiting room was worse. everyone keeps crying and wonwoo’s been glaring at jihoon the whole time. jihoon shifts uncomfortably in his seat in the waiting room as he waits for news about soonyoung. the doctor came in briefly to give an update on the condition soonyoung has, but everyone already knows. _hanahaki disease — flowers that grow in one’s lungs from unrequited love_.

who wouldn’t love soonyoung? soonyoung was wonderful. soonyoung was brighter than the sun itself who loved life more than anything and loved others selflessly. soonyoung was everything jihoon looked for, and he was glad that he even had the chance to meet him. soonyoung was jihoon’s better half, regardless if they weren’t the same people they used to be.

jihoon wants to shout, but he knows soonyoung wouldn’t want that. the doctor strolls into the waiting room, surprised to see that none of us had left and fixes his glasses on his nose. all the members rise to their feet, crowding around the doctor with anticipation. the doctor flips through the papers on his clipboard before clearing his throat.

“to whom should i deliver the news to?”

seungcheol saunters forward, “you can say it to me. i’m the leader, but i’m sure everyone will be listening anyways.”

the doctor proceeds, “right. well, mr. kwon is suffering from the hanahaki disease as you know. normally, we would remove the flowers with surgery, but not in this case.”

jeonghan takes a cautious step towards the doctor, lining up with seungcheol, “what do you mean?”

the doctor pauses. “i’m saying that mr. kwon seemed to have moved through the stages at an alarming pace. usually it would take about two months for it to get as severe as his state, but it only took him three weeks. he must love this person a lot for the flowers to blossom so quickly.”

joshua inches closer to the 95-line, pushing his way to the front. “so, what are you saying, doctor?”

“we can’t remove the flowers without the risk of him dying on the operating table. at this rate, it’s better to either wait it out and see what he says when he wakes up or go through with it and take the chance. it’s too severe, i’m afraid.”

wonwoo protests, “no. soonyoung doesn’t want the surgery.”

eleven heads snap towards wonwoo with wide eyes. wonwoo nods, knowing what they’re thinking.

junhui seethes, “you _knew_ and you didn’t tell us?”

wonwoo sighs, “it wasn’t mine to tell. soonyoung was so adamant on keeping it a secret.”

hansol interjects, “hyung, how do you know soonyoung-hyung doesn’t want the surgery? shouldn’t we think about what we should do for him?”

minghao agrees, “i think so too, hyung. i know he doesn’t want the surgery, but maybe it’s for the best.”

the group is reticent aside from the nods of acknowledgment or shaking of heads at going against soonyoung’s wishes. the doctor advises them that the risk of mortality is too high and it is recommended to wait it out.

“we can’t perform an operation without the consent of the person. if mr. kwon doesn’t want it like how this young man says so, then we have to wait.”

“when can we see him?”

the doctor turns to jihoon’s direction, giving him a warm smile, “you all can see him tonight. i usually don’t allow it, but you all can stay with him in the same room. it’s up to you to make yourselves feel at home.”

the members bow respectfully, thanking the doctor before following him to soonyoung’s room. jihoon flinches at the sight of the choreographer — wires poking into his skin and the breathing mask on his face. the younger kids greet soonyoung first, per seungcheol’s orders. the kids collapse onto the couch meant for four people and huddle up together to comfort themselves as they try to fall asleep. the hyung line is next, holding soonyoung’s hands and petting his hair. jihoon pretends to not notice wonwoo’s stare piercing into his soul. the twelve boys gather together onto the floor, clinging onto each other as they try to get through the night without soonyoung to ground them.

♡

it’s been two days and soonyoung remains unconscious. no one had left the hospital in case soonyoung wakes up. jihoon yawns, adjusting his position onto the uncomfortable chair next to soonyoung’s hospital bed.

“hoon, you want some snacks or coffee? you look horrible.”

jihoon doesn't even have the energy to shoot a dirty scowl to the tallest member, “it’s hyung to you. and sure, give me their strongest.”

mingyu drags minghao along with him to the cafeteria, the dragon man grumbling under his breath about being woken up. jeonghan, joshua, and seungcheol were talking to the doctor about soonyoung’s condition. seokmin couldn’t stand to look at soonyoung anymore, so he left the room and went outside. chan tags along, claiming that it doesn’t feel right being in the same room with soonyoung when he’s hurt and he isn’t. seungkwan and hansol sit in silence across from jihoon, but he can see how tired they both are. junhui and wonwoo are together, junhui sprawled out next to him as the cat-like boy reads a book. jihoon sympathizes with his members. he is scared and upset too.

the 95-line walks into the hospital room with the doctor behind them. the doctor checks soonyoung’s vitals before he tells them that soonyoung is stable. when the doctor leaves, the tension in the air is thick. his words should placate the team, but it still feels like half of them are turned against one another. seungcheol searches the room, kicking off roll call. the others enter the room just as seungcheol was about to start.

seungcheol makes the younger kids go back to the dorms to get some sleep and eat a proper meal. though they are hesitant, they leave with the promise that they would be back later on to switch off with the olders.

jihoon sighs, playing with the ring on soonyoung’s finger. his body feels like it’s on fire, but he can’t bring himself to close his eyes. if he does, jihoon sees flower petals destroying his precious friend.

jeonghan rakes his fingers through jihoon’s hair, “hoonie, you should go home too. you seriously look sick. you might even look worse than soonyoung at this point.”

“i can't leave, hyung. soonyoung’s here when he shouldn't be and i have to know he's okay.”

wonwoo sneers from the couch, flipping through his book. junhui shakes his head at him, urging him to change his behavior. wonwoo doesn’t. jeonghan glares at him. wonwoo surrenders, lifting his hands up in the air once seungcheol casts him a warning look.

joshua pulls him up from the chair, “and you will, but you have to take care of yourself too. you stayed with him both nights, literally. you haven’t let go of his hand since we got here.”

seungcheol presses a kiss to jihoon’s forehead, “i agree, jihoon. you should go home, just for a few hours. you can come back once you shower, eat, and sleep.”

jihoon stops, his hand resting on the doorknob as he turns to face soonyoung again. he nods, bidding his brothers goodbye before he gets his manager to take him home.

when jihoon sets foot through the dorm, his younger brothers are already fast asleep. jihoon opts for a cool shower before sliding into soonyoung’s bed. it’s silly, but jihoon needs to have soonyoung to feel safe. he decides that it’s good enough to fall asleep with soonyoung’s scent engulfing him.

♡

_jihoon sits by soonyoung’s bed, small fists wrapped around his. the lump in jihoon’s throat thickens because it never was supposed to be this way. soonyoung was full of life and full of energy — he was a fire that lit it up the lives of those he met. his soul was a beckon of hope for the hearts he had touched_.

 _seeing soonyoung like this was hard. jihoon has never seen him look so peaceful, but the dark spots on the dancer's face tell a different truth. jihoon feels his heart surge in his throat, the words he never had the chance to say caught. but soonyoung isn’t dead. jihoon feels a little bit relaxed at the thought that his best friend was alive, but he knew that once he woke up, he’d be in pain all over again_.

 _jihoon cries and cries until he can’t anymore, his voice raw and eyes swollen. jihoon takes a deep breath, his hand gripping soonyoung’s just a little bit tighter_.

“ _soonyoung-ah… can you hear me_?”

 _only the sound of soonyoung’s heart monitor could answer. jihoon rests his head on soonyoung’s arm, brown eyes staring at soonyoung’s closed ones. his heart hurts because even when asleep, soonyoung still shines brighter than anything he’s ever seen_.

“ _soonyoung, i’m sorry. i’m sorry you were hurting and none of us knew. we love you so much, why didn’t you tell us_?”

 _jihoon hiccups, wiping his nose on his sleeve before locking his fingers tight with soonyoung’s_.

“ _i’m here now, though. everyone left to get food and freshen up, but i’m still here. when you wake up, please get the surgery, soonyoung. or at least tell the person you love how you feel before you forget. we don’t want you to die. i… don’t want you to die_.”

 _jihoon is still for a moment, rearranging his thoughts to find the right words to say_.

“ _you’re my everything, soonyoung. i’m an introvert and i’m closed off. i never let anyone get to know me. but when i met you, i knew you were different. you’re my best friend. i’m sorry we don’t talk anymore, but when you wake up, we can change that. we can start again, we can be the hoshi-woozi combination again_.”

 _jihoon cries harder, laughing at his own misery before his eyes meet soonyoung’s slanted ones_.

“ _you walked in with that horrible haircut and bright orange hoodie. you sat down next to me and shook my hand before you even knew my name. that was all it took for my whole life to change. it’s because of you, soonyoung. you made me feel like a person. you’re my best friend, and i love you_.”

 _jihoon stills for a second, watching a stray tear roll down soonyoung’s cheeks. he goes to wipe it away until he freezes when soonyoung seizes. his heart monitor skyrockets, soonyoung’s body flailing in the air. jihoon forces his feet to move, bursting open the door and screaming his lungs out for anyone to come save soonyoung_.

 _doctors and nurses rush in and shove jihoon out of the way to tend to the patient. his eleven brothers run to the room, bombarding jihoon with questions. jihoon sobs, trying to give them the rundown_.

 _soonyoung’s heartbeat slows, fading out to a consistent pace, parroting a metronome. the members sigh in relief when the doctor gives the okay_.

“ _mr. kwon seems to be in a critical place right now. we know we said we advised against surgery, but it’s possible he might not wake up at all. the flowers have had a tremendous effect on him, the trauma is extremely fervent. this is very much as psychological and neurological as it is physiologically_.”

 _the relief they had felt was gone and they were back to the beginning. jeonghan was pleading with the doctor to do something. he gave the angel boy a sad smile_.

“ _this is a fight mr. kwon must do on his own. he must choose whether to live or die. the flowers in his lungs are keeping him alive as much as they are killing him. his mind is trying to save him from the pain, hence why he shut down. something must have triggered his body to have such a visceral reaction. mr. kwon is really in love. i wouldn’t bet on it, but try to prepare yourselves for anything_.”

 _the members fall to the floor, crying and praying. jihoon shakes with the thought of losing soonyoung. wonwoo marches up to the youngest of the 96-line, grabbing him by the throat and forcing jihoon to look at him. junhui and mingyu try to pull him off of jihoon’s small frame, but wonwoo is too angry and too hurt and too tired of jihoon being too stupid_.

 _wonwoo spits in his face, words harsh that cut jihoon right where he never thought it would hit, “if soonyoung dies, it’s your fault! his blood will be on your hands! it’s your fault_!”

 _it takes five bodies to detach wonwoo’s hands from jihoon’s throat and two more to push him out of the room. jihoon slumps down the wall, pulling his knees into his chest as he cries, wonwoo’s words haunting him. jihoon doesn’t know why, but he feels like it is his fault, too_.

♡

jihoon shoots up in bed, his head throbbing and heart hurting. he scrambles to put on a new change of clothes, rummaging through soonyoung’s drawers to borrow one of his hoodies. a white envelope catches his eye, his hands reaching to trace the seal. jihoon’s curiosity gets the better of him as he lifts up the envelope to inspect it. he knows he shouldn’t, but something is screaming at jihoon to rip it open. jihoon almost lets go of that thought until he sees his name scribbled onto the envelope in a messy attempt at cursive.

jihoon’s interest piques, eyebrows raising in curiosity before breaking the seal with his finger. jihoon unfolds the paper, creases folding into one another from how much soonyoung probably spent debating whether or not he should keep it or scrap it. jihoon flops back down onto soonyoung’s bed, scanning his eyes over the letter quickly. his eyes widen once jihoon realizes it’s a letter addressed to him. he backtracks, taking it back to the beginning and reading every line carefully.

“ _dear jihoonie_ ,

 _i bet you didn’t expect this, huh? by the time you read this i’m either dead or emotionless, which by the way, is the equivalent to being dead. i’m writing you this letter because i decided that i want you to know. i want to be brave one last time before i succumb to the flowers in my lungs. i spent too much time running, so now i’ll face you with the words of my heart_.

 _jihoon-ah, i love you. i’ve loved you for so long. i think i always have. we were best friends, the best pair — but then i had to fall in love with someone i couldn’t have. i had to ruin it because i wanted to kiss you instead of being your friend. when i first met you, you were special to me right away. i wanted to protect you, hold your hand, be there for you when you cried, and love you with all my heart. i wanted to spend all my moments with you, waking up to the first thought of you and going to sleep with you as the last thing i thought about. the petals just led me to you, it led me to your heart. you were always different to me, jihoon. i know you felt it too. there just became a point where the line between us blurred. i chose to not get the surgery, and i knew i would die loving you_.

 _but don’t be sad and don’t blame yourself. it’s not your fault you couldn’t love me back. i chose to keep the flowers in my lungs because i didn’t want to lose you. i want you to be happy always. seungcheol makes you happier than i’ve ever seen. please take care of him as well as i know he’ll care for you. i love you so much, jihoon. it hurts so much, but because i love you, i’m giving you the chance to live and love. thank you for everything. please be happy and keep smiling. keep singing, you know how much i love it when you do. you know i’d follow you anywhere, down to the ends of the earth. i’m sorry that i have to leave you. i love you lee jihoon. i’ll always love you. now and always. my precious jihoonie, i’ll let you go now_.

_with love_ ,

 _soonyoung_.

_ps: is this gross? i don’t know but here are the flowers i bloomed for you. like these fallen petals, my heart falls for you_.”

  
jihoon re-reads the letter in his hand over and over again, engraving every word into his brain until he memorizes it. his tears smear the ink, the words fading but jihoon still scans his eyes over soonyoung’s writing anyways. wonwoo’s words echo in his mind. jihoon clamps his hands over his ears, trying to drown out the sounds. it only gets louder as the gears in jihoon’s head turn. jihoon never knew soonyoung felt this way. he always knew how strong their bond was and how different their dynamic was from the others, but it was just who they were. he didn’t know soonyoung had been suffering because of him. jihoon feels like throwing up because wonwoo is right. if soonyoung dies, it would be his fault. his vision blurs as he runs to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before he throws up everything he had today. as he brushes his teeth, millions of thoughts swirl through jihoon’s brain. did jihoon love soonyoung? of course he did, but did he love soonyoung in the same way? jihoon’s heart cracks in his chest because it all makes sense. jihoon curses at himself, slipping his feet into his vans before sprinting to the hospital, the letter still in jihoon’s hand.

♡

jihoon tumbles into the hospital waiting room, the staff giving him an odd look as he catches his breath. seungcheol jogs over to jihoon’s side, smacking him on the back, “jihoon, you’re back. i thought i told you to-“

the smaller boy cuts him off, his voice shaky and frantic, “please tell me i haven’t lost him before i even got to have him.”

seungcheol pauses, but jihoon knows the answer. he barrels past seungcheol, forcing his way into soonyoung’s room. the nurses intervene, but jihoon shuts the door right in their faces. wonwoo meets jihoon’s eyes through the window and wonwoo nods, knowing that jihoon knows. jihoon rushes to soonyoung’s bed, staggering into the chair he knows so well and grabbing soonyoung’s hand. jihoon tries to keep himself composed, but when the boy he realizes he’s in love with lies motionless in front of him, he breaks down.

“oh, soonyoung. i am so sorry. i never knew. i never knew you loved me like how i love you. i’m sorry it took me too long to realize. but you’re right, you were special to me too. you still are. please wake up. i’m sorry. please come back to me.”

soonyoung’s hand twitches and jihoon grips tighter with a little more vigor, determined to reach inside soonyoung’s brain and get him to wake up. he knows soonyoung is listening, he just needs a little more. he just needs a harder push. jihoon whimpers, baring his heart out to his brightest star.

“i read your letter. i didn’t mean to find it, but i did and i’m so glad i did. i love you soonyoung, you hear me? tell those stupid fucking flowers to disappear because i love you back. i love you so much, i was so blind to not see it before. it was never seungcheol, _it was you_. it always has been. these petals lead me to you, it leads me to your heart.”

jihoon holds his breath as soonyoung stirs, his eyes fluttering open at the sound of jihoon’s voice. soonyoung blinks at him, eyes blown wide and unwavering. jihoon’s eyes fill with tears as soonyoung opens his eyes for the first time in two days.

soonyoung croaks, throat dry from dehydration, “hoonie…?”

tiny arms snake around soonyoung’s neck, jihoon sobbing into his chest. soonyoung holds jihoon tighter, pulling him into the space next to him. jihoon places the letter in soonyoung’s hands and his heart literally stops. soonyoung can already feel his heart shattering into unfixable pieces from jihoon’s inevitable rejection.

“jihoon… i…”

jihoon smashes his lips onto soonyoung’s, jerking him down to match his height and tangling his fingers into his hair. soonyoung yelps against jihoon’s lips, his arms finding their way back onto jihoon’s hips. jihoon tastes like salt and strawberries, and soonyoung has never felt more intoxicated. when soonyoung is forced down onto the mattress, strong hands push jihoon back.

“jihoon, we can’t.”

jihoon frowns, “why not?”

“you’re with seungcheol-hyung and i can’t-“

jihoon pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling hard, “we broke up last week.”

soonyoung stops his sentence, nodding before he does a double take. jihoon rolls his eyes and repeats what he said. when soonyoung asks why, jihoon shrugs.

“it didn’t feel right. he wasn’t the one, and now i know why.”

soonyoung splutters because he doesn’t get it. jihoon was in love with seungcheol for a long, long, long time. jihoon shrugs once more, letting his fingers knot with soonyoung’s.

“it didn’t feel right. but being with you, this, this feels right. i love you. i think i always have too. i’m sorry. i was just scared.”

jihoon buries his face in his hands, soonyoung gripping his wrists and gently prying jihoon’s palms from digging into his eyeballs. soonyoung searches for any sign of regret or hesitation in jihoon’s eyes. jihoon can see the hope and the love in soonyoung’s orbs, glowing a lovely chocolate color and sparkling _just for him_. when soonyoung doesn’t find any trace of what will shatter him, he smiles.

soonyoung closes the distance between their hearts, launching himself head first into jihoon once more. he loves jihoon wholeheartedly and this time, he knows the feeling is mutual as the flowers in his chest expel from his system and the pain slowly dulls. this time, jihoon is there as he, too, dives head first into loving soonyoung. jihoon rests his head on soonyoung’s chest, listening for his heartbeat because he has to know that he’s okay. soonyoung laughs when jihoon stares at the flower petals with such contempt.

“i love you.”

jihoon whispers those three words, but it’s loud enough for soonyoung to hear and his heart swells because he knows jihoon means it. his suffering has paid off, and though it sucked, he was thankful to have the boy he loves the most in his arms.

“i love you too.”

soonyoung and jihoon burst into laughter, clutching their sides and clapping their hands. jihoon catches a glimpse of soonyoung’s eyes, the atmosphere dying down between them. jihoon cups soonyoung’s face, tracing his fingers along the curve of soonyoung’s eyelashes.

“have you heard of the hoshi-woozi combination?”

soonyoung hums, “i haven’t. why don’t you tell me about it?”

jihoon punches him in the stomach before rolling his weight onto soonyoung’s lap, capturing soonyoung’s lips in a kiss, smiles as wide as they could be and brighter than anyone had ever seen.

the bridge linking them together miraculously was whole once more, the bridge soonyoung worked so hard to destroy because it led him to the same path — jihoon — was intact in an instant. they were the legendary hoshi-woozi duo, after all. they were ready to take on the world even if it was just the two of them because they were together. they had each other and they were in love. finally, soonyoung and jihoon are themselves again.

♡

**  
_BONUS_   
**

eleven bodies squeeze themselves behind soonyoung’s hospital door, their eyes inspecting the two leaders from the small glass window they could see through. despite the weird looks the people in the hospital were giving them, the members coo at the sight of jihoon and soonyoung finally being together.

mingyu chortles, “who knew that soonyoung-hyung would have to almost die from flowers choking him to get jihoon-hyung to realize that he loved him all along?”

ten eyes narrow their gaze at him, clearly not impressed with the younger for making a joke at the worst possible time. mingyu pouts, his shoulders wilting as he stops simpering. they turn their ogling back to the window, their hearts melting when soonyoung places a kiss to jihoon’s forehead before soonyoung follows jihoon into dreamland.

mingyu shrugs, “if only soonyoung-hyung had gotten the disease earlier.”

the boys crash down to the floor and holler when seungkwan pounces at the tallest member. they don’t even try to stop the younger from scolding the poor puppy and whacking him in the head for being an absolute idiot.

**Author's Note:**

> WHEN WILL I STOP MAKING SOONYOUNG SUFFER??? I PROMISE I LOVE HIM BUT I LOVE BEING IN HIS HEAD HAHA... sequel??
> 
> but if you got this far, thank you for reading! it was bad i know OOPS but let me know what you think! 
> 
> twt: @glowingji
> 
> as always, this is unedited xx
> 
> ily <3


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